That old ennui...

Without warning, and entirely against the desires of its residents, winter has come to Cleveland. Multiple feet of the dreaded cold white stuff has been dumped on us, and it seems as though there is more to come.

The end of the year is just around the corner, change coming steadily but inevitably, and I find myself becoming far too introspective than is good for my mental health.

Being a morbid sort of person at heart, each year I look around and wonder why this year was any different from the ones that proceeded it. And, admittedly, most years’ positives and negatives tend to cancel themselves out. Bills were paid, but no progress made in writing. Had my health, but had nothing more to show for my efforts. Its no wonder I get mopey and thoughtful around this time of year.

I’d be lying if I denied that that old Ennui is creeping back into my bones. That deep, thoughtful sadness that typically can only be located in black and white French films where the characters subsist on nothing but coffee and cigarettes. Call it the Blues, call it SAD, call it reality... but lately I find myself thinking back on the failures of the year gone by.

Even with hours upon hours spent with new friends having exciting experiences, I still feel awkward in social situations. I finally found a day job at the institution I’ve been applying to for years... only to have the position be a temp assignment. Granted, it was a temp assignment that could have gone perm, but that carrot has recently been retracted because of an onslaught of legal technicalities.

But even while my psyche is in the grips of a brooding mood, in many ways, this year was really one of the best. Next May will mark my second year as a freelance writer – when I first started I didn’t know if I’d last more than a month. I got to work on ‘Dark of Moon’, meet the Mooner cast and crew, and I got the chance to help out with ‘Chill.’ I organized and started working on my TV Pilot thanks to two consummate pros, a shoestring budget, and some very understanding friends. And – someday in the distant future, when the stars align – we might be able to shoot a scene.

I understand the way life works well enough to know it will all even out in the end. But even in the most logical of people Ennui can stop by on a cold winter’s night and roost for a while.